Domestic Violence; The Hidden Secret

There is a hidden secret in homes all across America that most people chose to ignore. This is my place to share my thoughts, views and occassional rants about the issue of domestic violence. It is my hope that this blog will prove to be an educational tool that will shatter the myths and misconceptions surrounding the issue, raise awareness and motivate all members of society to take a stand against violence against women.

Location: New York, United States

Wednesday, January 31, 2007

He's living his life, she can't even remember her age

I'd like to think I"m an intelligent woman and while I do believe that we do have the greatest justice system in the world, tonight it doesn't seem that way at all.

Without going into great detail, I cannot for the life of me figure out how it is even remotely right that someone beat their partner about the head multiple times with a metal object and leave them for dead on the floor. As if that isn't bad enough, even though they were arrested and charged and spent the night at the local precinct, they were released from court the following day on a very, very low bail. I'm talking a $300 bail. Sure, the case will go through court and they have a court order of protection against them, and they might, by some very slight chance spend some ridiculous amount of time like 30-60 days in jail for this but before any of this happens, and I'm not even convinced they'll have it that bad, they're free to carry on with their day to day life, business as usual. Free to enjoy themself in anyway they choose.

Their victim on the other hand, doesn't have that luxury. See the night the bad guy spent in jail, the victim spent in the hosptial having their head stapled. The morning after when the bad guy was released, the victim was still in the hospital, not able to remember what happened to them. The following day, the bad guy was driving by the victims home with their friends, the victim while now at home, couldn't even raise a fork to their mouth to feed themselves. Weekends have come and gone and the bad guy I'm sure, is out enjoying themself. Maybe the thought of having to go to court soon enters their mind, but they clearly aren't worried as they've made some pretty obnoxious phone calls to the victims family about the situation. Weekends and any other day of the week for the victim are made up of trying to walk around the house, using the restoom, showering and feeding themself all while being constantly dizzy and experiencing constant pain. Tonight the victim had to go to the hopsital because they had a siezure earlier in the day and now compares themself to a young child who has to learn to walk, eat and understand what is being said to them and form full sentences.

Tonight, when asked how old they are by the emergency room doctor, the victim could not remember.

I can't help but wonder what the batterer did tonight. I can't help but wonder if it ever entered their mind that their actions have left a previously intelligent and independent person reduced to the mental and physical capabilities of a 2 year old child.

But hey, who am I to say anything. The important thing here is that the batterer was treated correctly in court and isn't being held in jail pending the next court date unnecessarily. That's fair, right?


Blogger Lori said...

I am so sorry that you are going through such a rough time. No one should have to go through such abuse.

10:54 AM  
Blogger Wendy said...

Thanks, but it's not be in the situation. I just write about domestic violence in general; most times I write about things I encounter in my line of work.

12:56 PM  
Blogger Rose DesRochers said...

Wendy this is so sad. I'm a surviver of abuse.


6:49 PM  
Blogger Unknown said...

Wendy, I think what you're doing is absolutely great. People need to be more aware of what's happening to women all over the world. In our country, we have released a mini commerial with femal celebrities saying "love me, for I am a women. I am your mother, I am your sister, I am your friend. Love me, for I am woman."

What a lot of people don't understand is that women who go back to their batterers feel that they have no other choice. They have been brainwashed to think that way. It's really sad.

8:24 PM  
Blogger Wendy said...

Rose: Good for you! I'm glad you found your way out.

Kooky kay: Thank you for your kind words. I'm still new to this and hope more folks find my blog and help to raise awreness of the issue. I think its' great what's going on in your country. We have celebrities here that speak out against dv as well. As for victims going back because they feel they have no choice; well that's very correct and they have good reason to feel that way. They might be financially dependent on the abuser and/or can be in a life threatening situation if they do not return. So, the reasons are very real and too many for me to mention here.

5:21 PM  
Blogger Unknown said...

Decided to pay a visit here after your uplifting comment in my blog. This post reminds me of a young woman I took care of in a nursing home. Her husband beat her so badly he thought she was dying, so instead of taking her to the hospital, he drove around with her in the trunk of his car. Finally when he did take her to the ER, the brain damage was massive. She is pretty much now an adult with the mental and physical capacity of a newborn. She was in her twenties when this happened. The one thing that stood out in my mind is that the man responsible is in jail and serving a life sentence. Her mother attends every parole review, and has kept him there.

I think different states have different laws on this matter. Even simple assault is treated as a felony.

I don't understand it either. And I think the biggest tool in helping women and men, for that matter is education. And your blog does that. It educates as to the effects and treatment of domestic violence. Good work, and I will be back.

7:11 AM  
Blogger Tim Bahlke said...

You're doing a great thing here Wendy! Keep it up.

I just recently heard a story on NPR that cited research stating that 25-50% of abuse victims stay in the abusive environment because they will not leave their pets behind to who knows what abuse. When I got home, I searched the web thinking there would be a website where victims can connect with individuals that will provide a safe home for the pet while they get themselves help.

I didn't find such a site, so I'm starting Right now I only have the blog (, but I'm working on it.

It was a pleasure reading your posts, and I look forward to more.

-- Tim

5:00 PM  
Blogger DEB said...

I have just completed a book titled Family Terror that is available at The name of the book is significant. By calling this abusive behavior domestic violence or a domestic dispute we give permission for the violence not to be taken seriously. If a fight happened in a fast food restaurant we would not call it a hamburger dispute. It would be a crime. Also, Family Terror is a crime.
And there lies the ultimate solution. We don’t need more conventional shelters. In fact we will need fewer conventional shelters if only we treat “Family Terror” as a crime. The abuser is the criminal. It is not a logical solution to hide the victim and let the abuser run free. There are technical methods to guarantee protective orders are enforced.
If we continue down the path we are currently on, this violence and its results will multiply with each generation. Stop and think about one abuser and victim and their children. How many lives will be impacted in the next generation or next 50 years because of these people? Keep in mind that most children grow up to be either a victim or an abuser if they were raised in that environment. It is also important to note that 80% of the people who are incarcerated today grew up in abusive homes. So each of these crimes causing the incarceration, also had victims as well.
The most prudent use of funds is stopping the abuser. If the abuser is stopped, many things will change for the better. This abuse is the TRUE SILENT EPIDEMIC in our country.
Anytime there is a great deal of money being passed around, there is going to be issues embraced that are selfish and not wholesome to the good of the cause.
The big question is how can we the proper solutions started and cease the improper band aid expenses that are just plain wasteful of our tax money.

9:36 AM  

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